Thoughts From Max

      Today, I got a new cd. It’s actually quite amazing. It’s a Snow Patrol one… A Hundred Million Suns. The first song… “If There’s A Rocket Tie Me To It” I absolutly love… musicaly it’s amazing.. lyricaly it’s beautful. I really don’t know how to describe it. Lately I’ve found myself getting into this slow acoustic stuff. I don’t know why, but it really appeals to me. It’s a nice change of pace from the stuff that I’ve been listening to for the last while. Yeasterday, my dad got some new cd’s as well, they are the Jon Foreman, they are just little EP’s, but they are amazing. He’s such a talented guy…

      Ugg. So like. I’m so sick of people that think we shouldn’t be protecting ourselves. There is a huge difference between murdering and killing someone. Murder is the sensless and useless taking away of a life. Killing is like a war, or self defense. I’m sorry. But if someone trys to take my life, there is no way that I am not going to defend myself. Ever heard the Disciple song, “Game On.” There’s a line in it that goes, “I’m not afraid to turn the other cheak, but when you come against my friends, my family, my country, that’s when you and I are going to have a problem.” And that’s how I view things. Trying to love your enemies and what not is all great. But there comes a point that you have to take action. And when that time comes, I for one, am going to stand up and do what needs to be done. When words don’t work, action certainly will. And that goes for more things in life than dealing with people that want to kill you.

      So I was reading some articals about the wars in Afganistan and Iraq, and somethings that we have going on right now are just dumb. And if a 16 year old kid can see that, I want to know why the Generals that are running our armed forces are doing to fix them. Did you know that Afganistan is twice the size of Iraq and has over double the population of Iraq. Guess how many troops are in Afganistan. 32,000. Guess how many are in Iraq. 140,000. Now how much sense does that make. Not a whole lot to me. The Taliban are still active in Afganistan.. so… what forces are going to counter act them… Grr. It all boils down to politics. And guess what… either of the two fine candidates that are running for president want to get out of booth places. Dumies. That’s all I’m going to say. Dumies.

      Anyways. Tonight, I went to a Halloween party thing… right after work. Guess what I dressed up as… a doctor. It was so hard. I alread had my scrubs on and everythign from work. We went trick-or-treating… got some pretty strange looks. We were all like 16 and 17. Some of those old people were funny… gotta love the oldies. I got a lot of candy… there’s no way that I’m going to eat it all, I’ll freaking go into a coma. Candy is like the worst thing ever… okay. It’s not. But I can pretend, right? When we got back to the peoples house that it was at, they started a movie, 88 Minutes, I think is what it was called, but we had to leave… Sometime I want to rent it, it seemed like a really good movie. It was about this guy that was told he had 88 minutes to live left. Not really a creepy movie, but definately good acting, as far as the begining was concerned.

      Well. I’m going to go now. It seems that I’ve been doing good at writing a post every couple of days… to bad that’s going to stop here pretty soon. We’re going on vacation starting Tuesday… oh what fun. Anyways… I’ll get back and write down some more serrious thoughts maybe tomarrow. As for now, I bid you adiue.. Untill we meet again, my old friend.

Staring at the stars,

Wondering how far I’ve gone.

Can I see the end in sight?

Or will there be another night?

Remember me again,

From where it all began,

And show me one more time,

That you’ll always be mine.

Forever and ever I walk alone.

So open me up, and let yourself in.

I’ll give you one chance to kindle the fire.

Ignite us into light, and show me what it’s like,

To finally feel alive.

So I wrote that tonight, after I got home. I was down in Concord, first at Youpromote, then Impact. I made a website today, yay. And I played guitar on the worship team. I guess that you could say that it all went awesome, I mean, they seemed to like the website. And the guitar playing was good, what with not getting the keys until today, and the practice being an hour long. Nothing’s better than haveing to feel like your alone. I mean, I got a few “Hellos”… and a hug or two, I even tried to initiate some conversations. I just feel like I’m not supposed to be around, like I’m the perverbial third wheel. I had a song stuck in my head almost all day, “Meant to Live” by Switchfoot. It just seems to me that I’m drifting along. I have so much on my plate, what with CAP, school, work, intern, youth groups. Maybe I’m being pesemistic, actually, I probably am, but what am I supposed to do? I really don’t know right now. But I want, no, I must, find out what it is I’m supposed to be doing.

I guess it seems like all I’ve been posting are these negative little things. But. What am I supposed to do? Blow sunshine out my butt? That’s just not what I think people are supposed to be. I mean, sure, I have joy and what not, but that doesn’t stop me from being realistic and honest about what is going on. If there is one thing that I hate more than most, it’s when people just lie about what’s going on. If I’m asked point blank how I’m doing. I’ll be honest. I’ll say something to the effect of “Been better.” or “Fine.” In all honesty, I am fine. I’m alive. I’m breathing. I know where I’m going when I die. But at the same time I’m not. Everything seems to be falling all around, and not in the good way, not in the way where everything is just comming into place. Right now it seems as if everythign is falling apart, everything is in a state of atrophy. It seems as if all the things that I previously held for granted are just going away. Time. People. Thinking. Maybe it’s good. Maybe it will teach me to press on. Pressing on pressing on, all my distress is going gone. Psh. Yeah. Wrong. It’s not gone. Hmm. Okay. So. This. Was. A. Rant.

But there’s more to go. I think sometimes it helps to just get stuff out. That’s one of the reasons that I got this thing. Was to write me thoughts down. It wasn’t to put all my little umm, enlightenments, if you will. It was to vent. And that’s what I’m doing right now. Venting. I would love to be able to just go blast some As I Lay Dying or August Burns Red. But alas, it’s 10:30 at night. I think my parents, and quite possibly my neighbors would be quite agitated. Anyways, I guess I will have to setle for some Dashboard Confessional, or Secondhand Seronade, or The Scene Aesthetic. A little bit different, okay. Alot. But that’s beside the point. It’s beautiful. Amazing. Music. And that’s one of the best things in the world. Calming music. Wheather it’s something that’s accoustic. Or something that’s played in drop C with a double bass.

Anyways. Tomarow… CAP and my last drivers ed class.

Adieu.

Look at me
Am I the image of your hopes and tragedies?
Just look at me
Will I ever be more than just a memory?

Ug. So today = crap. Actually to put a positive spin on it… today = craptastic. Nothing seems to be going right. Do you have any of those days? Today was deffinately one of them for me. I’ve got worship tomarow, playing acoustic, and it’s just not working for me. I mean, I can play the songs, but like.. they just aren’t flowing for me this month. I really don’t know what the issue is there, prolly just the work of one not cool cat. Other than that, I broke a string on my guitar, bought new strings, and now I can’t find where they are… so much for having different guitars for different tunings. Got in a fight with someone.. wasn’t to fun. Fights never are. I guess some times I just get sick of things. And well… there might never be a cure, but I sure as heck am going to try and find one, even if it meens going in all the wrong directions. But that’s what life is all about… or that’s what they say it’s all about. Learning from your mistakes, and moving on. Forgive… forget. Easier said than done.  Today = craptastic.

Today, I also went to the local middle school to do some recruting for CAP, we’re having an open house. Anyways, reminded me why I’m not so fond of public school. Or littler kids for that matter. They are just so loud. I need my space… quite… time to think.. ya know? That’s just me. No getting around it. And well, I would never ever get any of that space, or thinking time at a public school. Just wouldn’t flow at all with me. Speaking of CAP. Stuff is gunna hit the fan there pretty soon. It’s time for a little turn around. I don’t get why these kids don’t get it, but obviously, they don’t get it. They are wearing the uniform of the United States Air Force. How about they show a little bit of respect for it. Also… C&C is lacking… alot. Things are gunna get a heck of a lot tougher around there. I also want to apply for staff at an encampment this summer, I’ll prolly apply to three, hopefully get one: NH, Region, and then one of the other states around here(I havn’t really made my mind up about which one.). I’ll be heading off to an NCSA as well, hopefully… maybe COS or Blue Beret…. who knows.

Let’s see. What else has been going just peachy lately. Hmm. I wrote something the other day. Actually last night. I got home from shooting, I did really good, shot a 235 and a 245, and it just started comming out. I havn’t really written anything in a long while, so it was kinda nice to actually have something to write about.. or rather have something just come out. I really don’t know where it came from. But I guess that’s good. I’ll post it at the bottom.

Hmm. I went to a CAP conference last weekend… (The 17th and 18th.) I had a really good time. The original plan was to go on Black Hawk and C-130 rides, but that didn’t happen…. oh well, crap happens, you know? Friday night, there was a Cadet Ball, that was really interesting, for the most part, I don’t like dances, but it was awesome. Then Saturday, the General Assembly, borring… but it was a nice break from going. Then we went to Pizza Hut for lunch, ick, have I ever said how nasty that pizza is? I had a salad. Then we went back to the hotel. We got to go to Wallyworld, played some Rock Band in the loby, that was actually kinda fun, even though I’m more of a Guitar Hero guy.  Later that night we had the banquet, I ended up skipping out for the awards ceremony, I was hanging with some pretty cool people… Emily… and then there was the NJ CAP Mafia guy…

Next Tuesday, I’m headed off to CA and AZ. Going to Disney Land while where there, and also headed to the Grand Canyon. Hopefully that will be fun…. ish.

Anyways. I guess that’s all. Ugg. Here’s the poem I wrote. Maybe I’ll have something better to say the next time I write. I just needed to get some of these things out on paper, or screen, depending on how you look at it.

So what am I to do?
I see you there, all alone.
Hold on, it won’t be long.
So don’t give up.
Stay the course.
Weather the storm.
Night by night.
Day by day.
You’ll make it, if not alone.
Pieces fall around.
Pick them up, one more fight.
I can’t get closer.
I can’t help you.
What am I to do?

“This country needs more than a building… it needs hope.” 

That my friend is from the movie V for Vendetta. It applys, to us. I turn the news on and all I see is the talk about politics. It makes me so sick. Obama… McCain… That’s all that anyone is talking about. But guess what. There’s a whole other world out there. And like it or not. These two guys are not the greatest thing since string cheese. I think that neither of them are going to be great presidents. It’s a case of the bigger between two evils. Who’s going to do the most dammage?

I think alot of things in life are like that. We really don’t know what we are getting ourselves into. We don’t know what we are going to do to ourselves by doing things. I think that so many of todays teens lives are thrown away because they wanted to have “fun”. Where did the having a life, and getting a job, and making something of ones self go? There are so many people that are content to live their lives out in mediocricy. All I can see is Atrophy. That’s not what people need to be doing. They don’t need someone else paying for something when they could be out there, working, making money, and paying for that thing.

I just find all this dumb. Pointless. And it doesn’t bring us hope. At all. It just divides us.  We were ment to live for so much more.

Fumbling his confidence
And wondering why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he’s bent for more than arguments
And failed attempts to fly, fly

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

Dreaming about Providence
And whether mice or men have second tries
Maybe we’ve been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we’re bent and broken, broken

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

We want more than this world’s got to offer
We want more than this world’s got to offer
We want more than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life, yeah

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live
We were meant to live

So. I’m sitting here, listening to music. Oh how so many things in my life revolve around music. At the current moment, I just got home from youth group, and I’m sitting here in my pac-man lounge pants, yeah, I’m uber sexii. Anyways. Back to topic. Papa Roach. Good, un-holesome music. Anyways. Lyrics = “I tear my heart open, I sow myself shut. My weakness is I care to much.” Is this really a weakness, that is my question at that moment. I’m the type of person that cares, alot, about what other people think, feel, percieve, ect. But can carring about those sort of things actually be bad for you, for me? I really wish that I could answere that, but I think that’s up to each individual person to do. However, I can say that I think for me personally, yes, it is a weakness.

All the time I am confronted with situations where I could be opening up to people, but I choose not to, why is that? It’s because I care to much what they might think of me and that they might not want to be my friend any more. Case and point. I am letting my fears rule me. That. Is. Not. Good. Ever. Fears. Can. Not. Rule. Us. Me. Anyone. Everytime that I pass up an oprotunity to share myself with someone I pass up an oprotunity to let someone into my life. We can’t do that. Ever. It just doesn’t work. People are meant to be around other people. We are meant to be in relation with eachother. We are meant to live, and not just exist. Existing is what the Enemy wants us to do, so there for we must fight this, we must live. If we die. Then he has won.

The next lyric = “Just because I’m losing doesn’t mean that I’ve lost.” Sooo much point there. How in the world can we say that we have lost just becuase there’s the possibility that we might lose. We can’t. See the thing is the the losers are the people that win because the have nothing to lose. It’s that plain and simple. It’s such a simple plan that it’s so hard to get the concept of. I know that’s the fact in my life. I give up instantly even if there is the possibility that I might lose, because I can’t bare the pain. Alot of people are like that. Alot of people give up. Giving up is letting someone else that has something to lose, win. And when we do that, we lose the one thing that we don’t have to lose. Sometimes, I really don’t know what we think when we do things, our thoughts are so not thinkable. It’s actually quite dumb.

So. Read. Comment. Yeah.

There’s a song by Skillet called “Falling Inside The Black.” It talks about feeling alone and how sometimes we wonder if everything is ever going to be alright and if it will ever go back to the way that it used to be. I know sometimes that I feel lonely, but why is it that we feel that way? We live in a world that has billions of people, yet we still feel like we are all alone in what we do. What can we do to keep going, to make it through?

Here’s something that I wrote a while back, it’s called “Shadows.” It’s about not wanting to be who we are. It’s about not fitting in. It’s about about feeling alone. It’s about trying to find a reason to be. It’s about really finding who we are.

Hey you!

Can’t you see?

Or are you just a disease?

I can’t stand the pain.
I can’t stand it anymore.

 

I don’t wanna see.

I don’t wanna blink

You’re always in the shadows.

Always ready to flee.

I don’t wanna be me.

 

So afraid, I lay in wait.

Trembling hands, holding onto life.

Under my skin you move.

Like the sentinel in the night.

 

I don’t wanna see.

I don’t wanna blink

You’re always in the shadows.

Always ready to flee.

I don’t wanna be me.

 

Shadows fleeting.

Light invading.

Shadows fleeting.

Light invading.

I don’t wanna see.

I don’t wanna blink.

I don’t wanna be me.

 

I don’t wanna see.

I don’t wanna blink

You’re always in the shadows.

Always ready to flee.

I don’t wanna be me.

 

Life in the night.

Always in the shadows.

Always fleeing.

Life in the night.

So, what shall we do, now that we realize that we are like this…

Lately while I’ve been journaling, I’ve been skipping around not really following the schedule, and going where God is showing me. Today when I opened my bible up, He took me to the book of James. I was like, “Great, how am I going to apply this to my life, not another story about Jesus.” I was wrong, these verses were exactly what I needed to hear from him. I think that so many times we stick to what a schedule says to read and it just becomes routine. While I have been just going where I’ve been shown I’m seeing things that I never would have seen without doing this.

Anyways, here the scripture is: James 2:14-17

What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don’t show it by your actions? Can that type of faith save anyone? Suppose you see a brother or sister that has no food or clothing, and you say, “Good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and well fed.” But then you don’t give that person food or clothing. What good does that do? So you see, faith by it self isn’t enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless.

In my bible, there are little notes that apply to teens lives, what it said was profound. Why do we as teens strive so bad to have a relationship with a person of the opposite gender, and when we are in that relationship we’re always looking at our phones to see if we missed a call or a text from them, we’re always going out, and all our focus is on them. An obvious sign that the relationship is going down hill is when that enthusiasm stops and the calls are less frequent. This can be the same thing with our faith, at first we are all gun-ho about doing things for God. Then as time goes by  and it gets difficult we stop spending time with him and doing hard things for him. How then, is that faith?

I know one thing that I don’t do a whole lot in my life is open up to people, or try and help them with their problems in a realistic way. But that’s not what I think I’m called to do, and for that matter what I think that every person is called to do. When we see a person that is not having a good day, what do you usually do? I know that I generally pretend to ignore the problem and move on with my life. Is that the right thing to do? No. But it’s what our world has taught us. Where do we learn that we are supposed to help out or fellow man? No where, everything that is out there points towards the importance of one person, and one person alone… Ourselves. What then can we do to be out there living our faith with our actions, and not in our words?

In my life I know that I ask more of God than I give God. I have my own areas where I don’t want him, I have the things that I want to just go about my day and do what I please. But is that really going to work for me? If all I do is ask God for things but I never do anything for him or his people or the people that aren’t his people, how can I expect to even get one little thing in return? I can’t. There are so many things that I could be doing to show my faith more. I could talk to more people about God. I could be have like a Christian in all aspects of my life. I could give people that I know have rough lives a call to see how they are doing. I could reach out to the people that most of my “friends” would consider unworthy of hanging out with. But do I do any of that? No. And why is that? My only answer is this, I’m afraid. Fear, it can drive us to do better, or it can halt us in our footsteps.

All through my life I’ve been taught the difference between right and wrong, I’ve been taught Christian values, I’ve been taught that we as people are supposed to do good and not evil. But is knowing these things enough? Is knowing that God is my savior enough? I don’t think so, actually, I know it isn’t. How can I live my life by just doing what I want and then expect it to go just perfect… Faith, it’s something that I have, but it’s not something that I make sure people know I have. This must change. God is bigger than all my fears, I just need to accept that. So, I pray that I can step out of my comfort zone and get involved in the lives of people I know, and not in a cheesy way, but a real way. A way that will show them who my King is.

Underoath…

Wake up! Wake up! My God!
This is not a test!
And it’s not too late to come clean
Get it off your chest
So steady your hand before your face and concentrate
There’s got to be some stable ground
Left to walk on

So tear another page from the book
Are you asleep or just alone?
Clear this room from your lungs

Pull yourself together
Pull yourself together, man
Pull yourself together
Pull yourself together

On your back,
You’re sleeping in a bed of shame
Let the light breath some new life into this room
It’s what keeps you coming back
Made up of insatiable taste
Bury your head in your hands
And sing into yourself

Oh!

Just what are you so afraid of?
What are you so afraid of?
You’re staring truth in the face
So come on down
What are you so afraid of?

You’re busy living now, aren’t you?
You’re busy making vows
You’re coming unglued

Time is shorter than you know
I know the light is blinding to the naked eye
So why don’t you take steps away from being alone?
I swear, it’s not too late for you

It’s all worth reaching for
It’s all worth reaching for
It’s all worth reaching for
The hand to pull you out
It’s all worth reaching for
The hand to pull you out

Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
And step outside your box
Wake up!

So. The title might be a little missleading, but that’s… okay. Anyways. I cam up with the title whilst listening to a Sum 41 song. Some people may think, “Ohhhhhhhh. They aren’t Christian!!! Don’t listen to them!!” But if you listen to some of their lyrics, they actually have meaning. One of the lines from a song is, “Wait. How long would you wait, just for me to call? I know you make mistakes, but I hope someday you have it all.” If you relate that back to God and us, I think that’s how God feels some times. He knows that we mess up, and really want’s for us to have all that we need. But we don’t take the time to look for him. We don’t take the time to call out to him. We don’t take the time to just hang out with him. Or atleast I know that I don’t take the time to do those things.

We all seem to find the time to go to work, hang out with friends, go to concerts, watch TV, and all the other things in our life that we don’t need… but when it comes down to it, do we take the time to find the one thing that we need more than anything… I think that is the reall question. And I also think that it’s something that we all need to figure out for ourselves.

Now for the more what’s been going on in my life thing… I am now interning at Youpromote, and I made my first webpage this week. I was so excited. Other than that I’ve been doing alot with Civil Air Patrol lately, over the last couple of weeks I’ve been to three different schools talking to the kids there about what CAP is and what we do. It kind of funny to see the looks on their faces when they see me and the other guys that come walking around the school all decked out in our uniforms and what not. I’m also our squadrons new CAC representative, that is something I’ve always wanted to do and now I have a chance. I’ve alos been going to another youth group on Tuesday nights after I work. That has been such a good expirence for me, I’ve been able to make a few new friends that I hold in really high regard. I’ve been hanging out with people it seems almost every weekend, or doing something with someone. It’s pretty awesome to be able to call people up and have them want to hang out. (:

Well. I guess that’s an update on me. As usuall I shall leave you with a song…

With Me – Sum 41

I don’t want this moment
To ever end
Where everything’s nothing, without you
I’d wait here forever just to,
To see you smile
‘Cause it’s true
I am nothing without you

Through it all
I’ve made my mistakes
I stumble and fall
But I mean these words

I want you to know
With everything, I won’t let this go
These words are my heart and soul
I’ll hold onto this moment you know
As I’ll bleed my heart out to show
And I won’t let go

Thoughts read unspoken
Forever in vow
And pieces of memories
Fall to the ground
I know what I didn’t have so
I won’t let this go
‘Cause it’s true
I am nothing without you

All the streets,
where I walked alone
With nowhere to go
Have come to an end

I want you to know
With everything, I won’t let this go
These words are my heart and soul
I’ll hold onto this moment you know
As I’ll bleed my heart out to show
And I won’t let go

In front of your eyes
It falls from the skies
When you don’t know what you’re looking to find
In front of your eyes
It falls from the skies
When you just never know what you will find
(What you will find [x4])

I don’t want this moment
To ever end
Where everything’s nothing, without you

I want you to know
With everything, I won’t let this go
These words are my heart and soul
I’ll hold onto this moment you know
As I’ll bleed my heart out to show
And I won’t let go

I want you to know
With everything, I won’t let this go
These words are my heart and soul
I’ll hold onto this moment you know
As I’ll bleed my heart out to show
And I won’t let go