Thoughts From Max

Today, Thanksgiving. The day that we all get to watch football if we so choose, enjoy the James Bond marathon that’s not on this year, and eat a whole crap load of food. I think that this might be the best holiday, besides Christmas, because we’re being thankfull for all the different things that have gone on over the last year, and it’s all about that, being thankfull, not about all the presants and what not that going along with Christmas. Now don’t get me wrong, the preasants are awesome, and I love getting them… but I think we’ve twisted that day into something it’s not. Thanksgiving, it’s all about the thanks. So, I’m going to just list all the people that have made an impact on me for the last year or so…

Emma – You mean alot to me, you always have, allways will. Even though we don’t talk hardly, you’re always there for me, and I really do appreciate it.

Tegan – We met online, and it’s really been an awesome friendship, even with all my antics, you still put up with me, and I’m thankful for that and for you.

Tye – you’re flying high… and you’re my brother, and a pretty awesome one at that.

Mom and Dad – I love you, nugh said.

All the people from Grace and Jeremy’s youth group – You all are awesome, for those of you that read this, thanks it means alot. It’s been a blast all the things we do. Playing on the worship team, DTH, going to Six Flags, all of it.

All my staff at CAP – I don’t know if any of you read this, if you do, awesome! You all do a great job. Keep it up, you’ll go along ways.

Last, but not least, Emily – Although I’ve only known you for a while, we’ve had some pretty awesome conversations. Keep pressin’ on. You’re awesome. Don’t forget it, even if you are a crazy white chick from Jersey.

So yeah, there ya go. I know I’m forgetting people. Don’t feel offended.

So there are alot of songs about circles. Switchfoot has one. All Time Low has one. There’s prolly more, those are just the two that I could think of off the top of my head, so I guess there really aren’t all that many song about circles, only two. But that’s really beside the point. It seems to me that alot of things we do in life just go round and round. School. Jobs. Activities. It is all just the same thing over and over again. Like. You go to school. To the same clases. Same schedule. Every single day. Same with jobs. Same with everything? Since when did life mean having a second by second callendar. I don’t know. I was just thinking about that. Maybe it’s compelatly off base or something.

Am I alive?
Am I on purpose?
Within the weakness
Within the weakness…
Spinning out in circles
In circles, in circles
Spinning out in circles
In circles, in circles

Maybe the whole thing behind that thought was just the fact that everything is all about an end. And it’s just not an end. It’s an means to and end. People always want something. They are always using people to get something. That’s not what we are supposed to be doing in life. We are supposed to be helping people. We are supposed to be doing things that help others, and not ourselfs. I think that best example that I can think about for this is being a leader in CAP. As a cadet that is leading other cadets, we are supposed to inspire them to get the mission done, but we want them to get it done because they want to, not because we tell them to. Some thing goes with life we are supposed to inspire people to get their lifes together.

Anyways. Shooting tonight sucked. I shot a 182. It’s been a year since I’ve shot that. Can’t believe it. I threw 7 shots off the target. Do you know or get how awful that is? I don’t know what was going on, I guess there was to much on my mind or something. Not that that’s an excuse. Excuses are worthless.

Anyways. Bye. Peace.

Alright. I’m tired. I’ve been up for… 36 hours at this point. Last night I was at this stay up all night, go bowling, go to arcade, thing that some of the kids I went to drivers ed with invited me to. It was lot of fun, but now, I’m exhausted. The downfall of that whole thing was the fact that I had an interview right when I got done there… so up for 24 hours, then interview. Great idea, right? Well, the good thing was the interview wasn’t an interview per-say, it was more of these little workshops, so that was nice. Anyways, I get to go back for the third stage of it, the on-snow review. That will be December 6th. Jeez. Winter is comming on soon. It was so cold this morning, like 22 degrees out. That’s just plain old nasty.

It seems like it’s getting to that time of year again, or actually, it is. Thanksgiving is less than a week away, and Christmas will fallow shortly behind. It’s amazing how fast time flys, it seems like it was just last year, it really does. Do you guys have anything special that you want? I know I want a knew iPod, the one I have is 4 years old, it’s full, and I need more room for my music. There’s a whole bunch of other stuff I want, AF stuff, video games, music, clothes… Every year it gets harder for me to make a list of things that I want or need, I don’t really know why that is, or if there actually is a reason. Maybe there’s not. Maybe it’s just something that happens. I really don’t know. It’s kind of frustrating really, all my family keeps asking what I want, and I really, honestly don’t know.

It seems as if alot of people are going through tough times right now. I don’t know why. I guess it’s just one of the seasons of life, and alot of us are stuck it in it. Not that it’s fun, or right, or anything like that, but it’s just something that we have to deal with. I guess that’s the point of this post, to say that it will all be fine, no matter what you’re going through, no matter how hard it may seem, it will be fine, in the end. I’m listening to a song right now, and it’s talking about how the little things seem to hurt the most and they leave the biggest pain or bring it back up. I really think that’s so true, sometimes it only takes something small, say a person walking into a room, to bring: pain, anger, rage, ect. Back to you. It’s not right. Why do we keep all these bad things in our heads, when we seamingly forget all the good? Maybe it’s just how we are programed or something, but it’s really quite annoying, and at times quite depressing really. But. Life is life. There’s nothing that you or I can do about it. We just have to give it our best shot, and live it the best we can. Even if that means going through all the crap. I guess a good saying to keep in mind is, “We’ve just got to make lemonaid out of all this sour stuff we’ve been given.”

So, I guess I’ve been thinking about what I’m going to be doing with me life, in the short and the long term. Right now, I hope to be getting a job as a ski instructor at Gunstock for the ski season. That would be a really great expirence I think, and it would also be something that I love. Also, I hope that my internship at Youpromote will become a paid position here in the next little bit, I really need to talk to them about it, because that will affect alot of other things as well. And then after that, we’ve got the summer. I’ll be going to some music festivals again, I want to staff an encampment, and I want to go to at least on NCSA, that’s at the top of my prioritys list. Next year will be my senior year, time to get life all figured out I guess. Right now, AFROTC is looking really good, and that’s what I’m planning on. I guess that could all change, just like everything else in life, but it’s good to have a plan, ya know?

Anyways, I think this has been one of the longer posts that I’ve written, and I havn’t even thrown a song in here. That’s saying something. I do think I’ll get going though. There’s some pizza that’s calling my name, and I think tonight will be a crash on the couch and watch a movie night. I hope that whoever reads this is doing okay, and that if there’s stuff going on in your life, I hope you know that it will be alright.

Peace. Love. All that junk.

So what is it that makes something important to someone? Is it just something that is in us from our birth, or is there something else to it? I really don’t know. I wish I did. What makes the face that it’s rainy out make us feel all sleep? Why does sunshine make us happy. Why do hugs bring us joy? What makes all those things bring different emotions. I really don’t know. Do you? Have an idea? A theory? Tell. Please.

Today it was freezing out. I woke up, and went for a run. It was like… 29 out. Grr. That was so friggen cold after being in AZ and CA. Then I went to Youpromote. I made another practice website today. This is it. It actually turned out good. Which makes me happy. I had to run to the Concord Library to find something. They didn’t have it. I didn’t have a jacket. So I walked in the cold for nothing. Yay. Not. Psh. Nothing I can do about it though, I guess it’s just that time of year that I need to have a jacket with me. What ever, I won’t be cold. I refuse. Even with the wind… I’m just hard core like that. Not. But it sounds good, right?

I seem to find myself in a dilema. What’s right? What’s wrong? Telling part of the truth, is that right, or is it wrong. Should I just lie. Or should I say what I thinks best? I guess these are questions that people have asked themselves all the time. I wish someone had an answere. It would make life so much better, easier. Not that it’s ever going to happen. If life was easier, we would all be happy. But it’s in our nature not to be like that. Jee. I sound like a bundle of happiness… don’t I? I guess I should work on that. Or not. I only have so much time in my life.. don’t we all… it all comes down to that, and money. Time is money. Money is time. Funny isn’t it.

At the moment, I find myself addicted to two different bands. I guess it would make sense that they are different, kind of stating the obvious there, aren’t I? Anyways. They are Kill Hannah and Good Charlotte. PRobly not the best bands in the world, but they have this sound that I think is really awesome. Pop punkish thing kinda going on there. Pretty awesomtastic.

I had a great conversation or two on the phone last night. Thanks guys.

Anyways. Night. Later. Here’s a song. Good Charlotte. “I Heard You.”

Today I screwed up again,
You said I could tell in the way you said goodbye,
I saw you sitting at your t-shirt stand with your new boyfriend,
He’s really cool, I get the point

I don’t want you, I don’t want you,
I heard you, I heard you, I heard you say not a chance,
What don’t you see,
I don’t want you, I don’t want you,
I heard you, I heard you, I heard you say you’re not good enough for me.

Today I screwed up again,
I wasn’t paying attention, I walked into the wall again,
I heard you laugh and saw you grin,
While you were sitting at your t-shirt stand,
With all your cool friends, they’re really cool,
I get the point

I don’t want you, I don’t want you,
I heard you, I heard you, I heard you say not a chance,
What don’t you see,
I don’t want you, I don’t want you,
I heard you, I heard you, I heard you say you’re not good enough for me

Today I’ll give it one last try,
And then I know I’ll wonder why, I did it to myself once again,
I saw your boyfriend, he’s 6′3″, Quarterback on varsity
The football players love to torture me,
So I’m feeling like I’m not fitting in,
I know that I’m not fitting in with you,
And your stuck-up friends, I get the point

I don’t want you, I don’t want you,
I heard you, I heard you, I heard you say not a chance,
What don’t you see,
I don’t want you, I don’t want you,
I heard you, I heard you, I heard you say you’re not good enough for me

I guess I’ve been able to keep up on this every couple of days durring my vacation, it seems that I was not nearly as bussy as I thought I would be. That could be construed as good and bad. I guess being the o’ so pesimistic person that I am, I would take the bad and forget the good. It seems that is how most people go through life, I find it funny. Anyways. The last few days have been, surprisingly, more relaxed. I didn’t think that I would be able to make it through this whole thing. I did. Thank God. I’m alive. No one else is dead. Yay. I guess there’s one good thing that has come from all of this, I’ve learned to live with people that I can’t say I love nor hate. I’ve found that in life it’s much easier to be around people that you either love with an undying passion or you hate with an undying passion. When your around people you could care less about there’s something about it that just doesn’t fit right. I don’t know quite how to explain it. But I’m sure that who ever is reading this knows what I’m talking about.

So. Do you know me I wonder? What makes me laugh. What makes me cry. What makes me happy. What makes me sad. What’s my favorite move? What’s my favorite band? What’s my favorite thing to do? Where’s my favorite place to go? It seems to me that no one really knows me. I could be wrong. I could be way off in left field. But. I doubt it. I really do. Anyways. I need a friend. Someone that’s not going to run away. I think we all need someone like that. But that’s life. I guess I’ll have to get over it and just move on. There’s absolutly nothing that I can do about it. It’s like I was saying to a friend that was having a little bit of trouble as well, “All we can do is make sweet lemonade out of these sour things we have.”

I’ll be going back to reality tomarrow. My plane leaves at like 6 in the morning. That means that I have to leave the place I’m staying at at like… 3:45. I doubt I will be sleeping tonight. I’ll lay awake watching TV or something like that. I see no point in it. Do you ever not see a point in something? I bet you do.

I’ll leave you with a song. It’s by the Dave Mathews Band. It’s called Crash Into Me. I love it. It’s beautiful. Amazing. I don’t think that words can describe it. So here it is. Good night. Good day. I bid thee adiue. And I hope that if who this song goes out to knows who they are than it would mean something to you.

Youve got your ball
Youve got your chain
Tied to me tight tie me up again
Whos got their claws
In you my friend
Into your heart Ill beat again
Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock
And sweet you roll
Lost for you Im so lost for you
You come crash into me
And I come into you
I come into you
In a boys dream
In a boys dream
Touch your lips just so I know
In your eyes, love, it glows so
Im bare boned and crazy for you
When you come crash
Into me, baby
And I come into you
In a boys dream
In a boys dream
If Ive gone overboard
Then Im begging you
To forgive me
In my haste
When Im holding you so girl
Close to me
Oh and you come crash
Into me, baby
And I come into you
Hike up your skirt a little more
And show the world to me
Hike up your skirt a little more
And show your world to me
In a boys dream.. in a boys dream
Oh I watch you there
Through the window
And I stare at you
You wear nothing but you
Wear it so well
Tied up and twisted
The way Id like to be
For you, for me, come crash
Into me

I’m in Airizona right now. It’s a long ways from home, and it’s alot different as well. The weather is hot. To hot for me. It’s going to be like 80 or something crazy like that today. I guess it’s not all tha bad though, there isn’t the humidity to contend with so it’s more of a dry heat. If there was humidity I would have something else to say. That was my biggest complaint about living in TN, that and the backwardness of everything there. On Monday I got a chance to visit Luke AFB, I needed to get some stuff from the Military Clothing shop and it seemed like a good as time as any. I got a new light weight jacket for my blues, and some PT clothes. I also got some challenge coins, and AF one and then a base one, they booth look pretty dang spiffy. Then Tuesday and yeasterday we drove like six hours up to look at the Grand Canyon. It’s a really beautiful place, but it starts to look the same after looking at it for two days. I’m not complainin’ though, we got to walk around. This whole vacation thing has totally messed up my running and weight routine… :/

Anyways. I got a new CD Monday. Dreamer… by Haste The Day. They have a new screamer, and it’s pretty different from their first CD. But good. The music has gotten alot better, at least I think. There is much more skill in the guitar and drumms. So it was nice to be able to plug that in on my iPod and listen to it durring hte drive. That and a good book will always keep me occupied. I’ve got alot of new pictures, I’ll have to be putting them up on face book at sometime.

Anyways. I’m kind of sick at the moment. I hate it. I always get sick on vacations. It’s totally not cool at all. My nose is all plugged up. My head hurts. So does my throat. Yeah. It kind of totally blows. But what ever. There isn’t much that I can do about it. Kind of like there isn’t a whole lot we can do about alot of stuff in life. Just have to get over it and move on with things. I guess that’s the hardest part of it all. Letting go. There’s a song by Kids In The Way and it goes something like, “Letting go is the hardest part of loving you.” I don’t know if I think that’s true. But it ilistrates an important part of life… letting go is hard. There is now way around it. It just is.

The song I’m listening to has an interesting line in it. “What is it to fallow? What is it to lead?” I find that a good question to ask ones self. Sometimes I think that we are all focused on getting the most out of everything. Being the top dog. But that’s not how we should be looking at things. If we want to be the person on top. The boss. We must be the person that listens, fallows, and leads the people that are below us. I know that I have seen many so-called leaders that didn’t know a thing about leadership. It really makes me sick because now the people that they were supposedly leading are wanting to fallow in the awful leaders foot steps. It’s doesn’t work though. Because people don’t want to be under that type of leader. I know I didn’t. I know I wont let the people under me act like that to the people under them. I have been called to nice before. But I would rather be to nice than have everyone think that I rule with an iorn fist.

I guess that it’s time I say something about me. I don’t really know what’s going on with me right now. I havn’t talked to all that many people in a long time. I’m almost drawing in on myself. That’s prolly not the answere to anything. But it seems better than the alternatives. Sometimes I wonder why we even try at anything. I think one of the best lessons to learn in life is this. Everything is finite. Everything will end. Everything will go away. I don’t know that that makes it easier to live. But it sure makes it easier to die. Not that dieing is what needs to happen, But once you have realized that is going to happen, Or that your possesions will go away,Or friendships will die out, it makes it much more easier to accept it all. It wont make it hurt less. It wont make it easier. But it sure helps. I don’t know. I guess that’s my little insight of me for now.

Waiting for your call, I’m sick, call I’m angry
Call I’m desperate for your voice
Listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember
Butterfly, Early Summer
It’s playing on repeat, Just like when we would meet
Like when we would meet

Yeah. James Bond movie. I really don’t care. I thought it was a cool title for a post. So there. If you’ve got an issue with it… deal. Kay? Otherwise… stuff it. That’s what I think you should do. And since it’s my blog, you can either take it, or leave it. Anyways. Right now. I’m sitting in Airizona. It’s like.. gawd awful. No joke. Okay. Well. Maybe it’s not gawd awful. But like. It’s hot out, like it was 70 today and it’s supposed to keep getting hotter as the week gets going. I’m really not all that happy about that. I like my nice cool NH weather that I’m totally not getting right now. I feel so out of it. I havnt’ been running in like a week now. :/ That’s bad. And I havn’t lifted either. That’s also bad. I guess I did do a bunch of walking at Disney. But that’s not the same at all. See. This is what the world is comming to. That’s one reason why vacations totally are not cool at all. They screw up the routine of life. I like things to go my way… which means how and when I want things to go. But. You don’t always get what you wish for so I shall stop my complaining.

Anyways. Tomarrow, I think I get to go visit in AFB. I’m pretty dang excited about that one. It’s Luke AFB. They have an F-16 wing. Something like… 200 planes. They are the only base that trains pilots for the F-16, so if you want to fly it.. that’s where you’ll be headed. I need to get some sun glasses, hopefully they will have some nice aviators or something. The last sun glasses that I got were from Aeripastle… and they sucked. Like… really sucked. So. I guess I’m going to have to spend a little more than $15 bucks. But maybe they will last for more than like 3 months. So yeah. I’ll have to look and see what I can find. Heck. Maybe I’ll walk away with a challenge coin. They always have cool ones on bases.

The rest of the week I really don’t know what we are up to. I think on Tuesday we are headed out to see the grand canyon. That’ll be kinda cool. I’ve never been there. So I’m sure that it will be a pretty beautiful place. The sunsets around here are pretty awesome as well. The one the other night was a really  bright pink. So no complainst about that… But. I am in the middle of the freaking desert. No grass.  No water. No trees. Just sand and rocks and cactus. It’s actually pretty dang ugly. I don’t know how people could spend their lives here. I would go pretty dang crazy. Actually. I already am going pretty dang crazy. I couldn’t take this for like more than a week. But w/e. Nothing I can do about it.

Anyways. I should probably be getting off here for now. I’ll see about putting some pictures up on Facebook or something. And I’ll try and get another up date on here by the end of the week or something. Hopefully they fun will start happening. I’m crossing my fingers. So chow. Time to get going. Here’s something to explain how my mind is working at the moment. It’s from a song… by Escape The Fate.. It’s called Something. No really. That’s what it’s called. Bye.

So now your running,
Its hard to see clearly,
When I make you angry
We’re stuck in the past
And now your screaming
So can you forgive me
Iv’e treated you badly.

But Im still here
Sometimes i wonder
Why im still waiting
Sometimes im shaking
Thats how you make me.
Sometimes i question why im still here
Sometimes i think im going crazy

Can you help me out next time?

And now you wish that you ment something
And now you wish that you ment something to somebody else.
Something to somebody else
And now you wish met someone
And now you wish that you ment something to sombody else.
Something to somebody else

You look at me threw clouded eyes.
I know you can see threw my lies.
See the sky, see the stars
All of this could be ours.
Out of site, out of mind.
We’ve been threw this 1000 times.
Turn your back and then you make me so crazy

Can you help me out one last time?

And now you wish that you ment something
And now you wish that you ment something to somebody else.
And now you wish met someone
And now you wish that you ment something to sombody else.
Something to somebody else
Something to somebody else

You know I’ll wait for ever.
Yes I would wait. (i would wait)
You know I would wait for you.
Yes I would wait

And now you wish that you ment something
And now you wish that you ment
something to somebody else.
And now you wish met someone
And now you wish that you ment something to sombody else.
Something to somebody else
Something to somebody else

Promise me you won’t leave my side. Promise me that we’ll be alright. Promise me that this isn’t the end. I think that’s something I just needed to say. Right now. I’m in California. Thousands of miles away from home. Lately I’ve been feeling alone, and this is what I needed. To get away. I don’t know that our world is going to be the same after the events that have happened over the last day or two. I know I’m looking at things differently. I hope that we’ll make it through. And I hope that we can find a common ground.

Dear anyone,

   Come to me. Show me what to do. I’ll be here. I need you, just as much as you need me. Something is telling me that you don’t know what to do. Well, to be honest neither do I. I guess we’ll just have to make things up as we go. Don’t forget, I’m always here for you. And if you need me, then call on me. I mean those words. Even when I turned your help down before, I want you to know that I was dumb and foolish.

With… something.

 

So. Tonight. I’m getting ready to leave, I’m going to California. We’ll be going to Disney Land and then the Regan Memorial Library place. After that we’ll be headed to Airizona to visit my grandparents. At some point I think we’ll be going to the grand canyon, and then Sadona. I have no idea where or what is at Sadona… but I’m sure that we’ll have some sort of fun. I guess I won’t be able to get on here to write as often as I have been, but I’ll get on here as much as I can to let you guys know what’s going on. I really don’t know if all that many people read this, but to those of you that do, I thank you. It means a lot that you would take the time out of your day to read my little thoughts.

I had shooting tonight. I actually did quite well. I had to shoot two lines because I’m going to be gone for two weeks… I don’t want to get behind, I like having some ammo at the end of the year. My average has been way up from last year. I think I was shooting on average a 216. Right now my average is about 240. That really makes me happy. I like being the top junior in the state, something to brag about. Althought bragging isn’t something that is very becoming, so I try not to do it all that much. Sometimes I do though… and it’s nice to have that little piece of information to throw out there. Oh. I got my grips that my parents bought me LAST Christmas like a couple weeks ago, so that was kinda cool. Speaking of cool… the heater in our house is working again, hopefully it will stay working, it’s not all that fun waking up freezing. I don’t think I’ll have that issue when we are in Cali though.

So. I’ve been quite agitated the last few days. Actually, agitated is a mild word. I wonder if it’s too hard for people to call. Or text. Or just say hi. But. It’s not worth getting my knickers in a knot. So I guess I’ll just have to get over it. That’s the only thing that we can do sometimes. Move along. Just to keep strong. I have an issue doing that. I like to hold on to things. And let them fester. And then when I have them nice and supressed inside I like to let them just blow out. I guess some would call that unhealthy… but I say other wise. But. I will admit, it probably causes more drama than is needed. Oh heck. Drama. It’s all part of life. I should just get over that as well. Not that I’ll actually do that. But it’s a nice thought atleast.

I seem to be listening to a really broad variety of music lately. A couple of bands that our on my favs list right now would be: Snow Patrol, Escape the Fate, Oh Sleeper, Dashboard Confessional, Secondhand Seronade, and Jon Forman. It’s really interesting how in the span of twenty minutes I can be listening to screamy ultra metal stuff and then go to nice mellow accoustic stuff. It’s actually quite amazing. The two styles compliment each other really well. And they are booth really fun to play. I was writing some music today at guitar, I came up with this really awesome chord progression. We’ll have to see if it turns into a reall song. Maybe it will. That would be pretty cool. If it does I’ll have to record it and post it for you guys.

Well. I guess it’s that time for me to get going. My internet is going to shut off here in the next few minutes. I hope you all don’t miss me all that much. My phone will be on 24/7 so if you want to chat… hit me up. Send me a text or just give me a call. Either way. It would really make my day. I don’t get all that many calls. Well. Have a good night. Or day. What ever it happens to be when you read this. Adiue.

I talked to you today, I heard the tremble of your voice.
Cradle the fall, I know you’ll never change.
So please, just hold on.
I know it’s hard for you, it’s hard to understand betrayal within.
There’s a fine line between betrayal and your friends.
So tell me how you can swim when ropes are wrapped around your limbs.

So. At the moement. I could scream. It wouldn’t help the situation at all. But. I do think that it would feel nice. What do you think? Do you think that it would help the situation? Would hitting something help the situation? I don’t think so. It would just loosen my nerves. My house is freezing right now. Litterally. Freezing. Our heater is broken. It almost as cool in the friggen’ house as it is out side. There’s so many things wrong with that. My nose keeps bleeding. Or when I blow it it bleeds. It’s dumb. I hate it. My mom thinks it because of the change from summer to winter. I don’t know. I don’t care. I just want it to go away.

Do you think that trying to be friends is useless. Really. What’s the point. Right now I feel like trying to be a friend and open up is just the dumbest idea there is. Maybe I could be wrong. But what if I’m not. What if it al lis just a waste of time. What’s the point of having someone in your life for a season on then feeling like there’s just a wall between you? I really don’t know right now. Maybe at somepoint I can figure it out. Maybe at somepoint some of this will all make sense. I would really like for it all to make sense. Wouldn’t we all like it to all just make sense, so we would know what to do. I know that I would.

Then… there’s people. It always relvoves around a person. For a girl it would be a guy. And for a guy it would be a girl. Oh how much simpler life would be if we didn’t worry about them. Or the person. Either way. It all is so much more complicated. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to go back into kindergarten and not have to worry about those things. There are so many things that remind me of other things. It’s actually… not all that cool. Actually. It kinda sucks. Have you ever looked up at the stars? I did that last night. For the first time in a long time. And for the first time in a long time it didn’t hurt to. Isn’t that funny. One thing. One thing can make something so simple and beautiful just feel like pain and hate. Do you have things like that in your life? I think we all do. It’s funny how we forget the good and remember the bad. I wish it was the other way around. But alas it’s not. And I don’t think that it will ever be like that. At least not when we are in this state of mind that we as humans will always have. It’s like this song… it goes, “Two weeks later, like a surpluss reprieve, I found a hair the length of yours.” It’s true. Weeks. Months. Years. Time goes by.. but things still come up.

I was always ment to self destruct… that’s how it seems right now. It seems that I’m the one that’s getting it wrong, or I have the perception of getting things wrong. Maybe I’m wrong in that regard. But I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m posting on here so much. It really doesn’t make sense to me. I guess it’s just something to occupy my mind. Because… it keeps going to places that I would much rather it not go. And dwelling on things that I know will never happen. But maybe that’s what happens as we realize that we can’t have what we want. Have you realized that… the things that we want we don’t get. But when we do get them. They are the things that tear us apart the most. I wonder if that means that I shouldn’t be wanting this. If I should just forget about it all together. maybe that’s the best idea. Maybe that’s what I should do. I really don’t know. I guess I’ll find out as time moves on. That’s the only thing that will tell… time. Time and wasted bullets.

Anyways. Here’s something I wrote tonight. It’s called A Dance In My dreams. So. That’s it for tonight. Adiue my friend. Maybe sometime I’ll be able to hold you close, whoever it is that takes the time to read this.

A thousand miles away, you play.
And I wonder from a far if I can find you once again.
I call your name, to find the machine, I know who your with, is it worth this?
So I’ll just try to find a way to make you notice me.
Even if I can’t be with you, I’ll open my heart to you.

And now the music begins to play your song from far away.
You’ll dance with him, as I dream of you and me.
The dance we’ll share will never end.
We’ll carry on, if only in my heart.
And the dance we’ll share will never end.
We’ll carry on, if only in my dreams.

So think of me as you hold him close.
Another day goes by, and I’m still alone.
You’ll be with him when the night begins.
I can’t believe that it happened this way.
If only another time, another place.
Maybe then we could lock our fingers.

But I’m left here to dream and waste the night away.
And the music starts to play your song once again, oh so far away it seems.
You’ll dance with him, as I dream of you and me.
The dance we’ll share is starting to take its toll.
Carrying on, my dreams, they start to fade.
And the dance we’ll share is starting to take its toll.
So think of me as you hold him close.

The sun begins to rise and I force myself to fight this feeling.
You and him, it won’t end.
And I force myself to realize that this fight might be in vain.
Oh, what a mess that I’m in, fallen for you, and you’ll never believe.

The music is gone, and I’m left alone.
Holding onto shadows of you.
My dreams, they’re gone now.
But my heart is still holing onto you from far away.
I wonder if you notice that I was waiting all along.
Just for one chance to dance.
Just for one chance to dance a dance with you.