Thoughts From Max

So, it’s been forever since I’ve written anything. I don’t know why that is, exactly, but I guess I’m going to write something down for you now. It seems as if things have just been stressful. I’ve got the SAT’s on Saturday, and I don’t think it’s a huge deal, but to colleges and to my parents, it’s a huge thing. And that’s really getting to me. I’ve been studying for it and all, but I don’t know that I’ve been doing it to the fullest that I can. I mean, don’t get me wrong, on the practice test that I’ve done I’ve got good scores. But, it just seems like this whole thing is draining me. The weather here has been so stinking hot, today it was in the 90’s. What the heck. It’s not supposed to be that hot in NH in April. It’s supposed to be like 60 and nice and beautiful out. Not that it hasn’t been beautiful out, it’s just been so stinking hot. I guess that the good thing that will come out of this will be that the lake should hopefully get warmer sooner. Other than that, it’s just been really routine.
I guess life is just getting to me. I’m so like scatter brained tonight. I really am going to try and write something more substantial for you. I feel as if I’ve been awful with writing for you. It was supposed to be like an every other day thing. And I let that go. So. I’m sorry. :/

Oh she makes me feel like shit
It’s always something
But I can’t get over it
She thinks it’s nothing
Because she’s
Everything I ask for
Everything I ask for
And just a little bit more
Everything I ask for
Everything I ask for
And so much more

Good morning, world. It seems to me that today is going to drag on. I have an awards ceremony tonight at CAP. I’m getting the Amelia Earhart award. I hate ceremonies. They annoy me. I don’t get the point of them. Grr. I know that I got the award, why does it have to be such a big deal? Kinda like my Eagle Scout. I don’t really want a big thing for it, but I guess that’s what I’m going to have to get. I don’t need to be recognized. I don’t want to be. It’s something that I did. I’m the one that knows that I got it done. It’s not a big thing. But, I guess other people see it differently than I do. I can’t change that. So I shall write this little rant about it. Anywhoo, I hope that you enjoyed reading this little thought that came into Max’s head. So yeah, I have that ceremony tonight. I have to get my uniform ready. I have to make sure that all the other awards are going to get done right. I haveto make sure the Honor Guard is up to snuff. Oh, what a fun day it shall be. But hey, hopefully someone will be there to see it. I hope that the Kellys can make it. I think Rich is coming. I know the Marny is coming. But, alas, the family that lives on the other side of the country is not going to make it, go figure.

So, one of my friends sent me this super long message on facebook. It was actually quite nice to read. I enjoy getting messages like that it makes me think about life and what goes on in it. The prevailing theme in the message she sent me was that God is there for you, in the good times and the bad. At least that’s what I got out of it. I find that I don’t look to God in the good times. It takes the world falling down around me to look to him. I don’t know that that is how I’m supposed to be living my faith out. But, that’s how the world does it, or most certainly that’s how a lot of Christians are. Should I try and be different? I guess the whole idea that I’m running into is the idea of making your faith your own. It’s not my youth pastors. It’s not my parents. It’s not my friends. It’s mine. So how am I going to live for Him in all that I do? How am I going to look to him to be my shade in the hot summer field? I was reading in the book of Job this morning, now, there’s a guy that lost it all. And he didn’t blame God. I mean he had it all going for him. And he just says God gave it to me, and god can take it away. I really wish that I was able to do that. I think I find myself playing the blame game. It’s never my fault. I never do anything wrong. It’s always someonelses issue. It’s what they did. I guess that’s something that I really need to work on.

I’ve been reading a lot recently. I like books. Maybe a little to much. Is it wrong to go in the library ever week and take six books out and then go back a week later with them all read and then procede to get six more books? I get so many looks from the people there. I actaully had one person ask me if I was going to be the one reading all of the books. That made me laugh, to say the least.

Oh, I started putting music to some of the things that I’ve written. I’m going to try and take a video of one of them today so that I can post it up on facebook. One of my friends specifically asked me to, so I guess  that I will have to oblige. It will be interesting to see what people have to say about the sound of the songs. I don’t get why people always say that the things that I write are so good. I don’t see it. I honestly don’t. And to be honest, it really agrivates me. I mean, why can they see that I’m so awesome at it, but I can’t? I guess that’s just how it’s going to be though. Hopefully at somepoint I’ll be able to see what they see. It would sure be nice to be able to.

Well, I have to get going, here in a minute. I had an okay night last night. I went to help Robert out with his guitar learning. And I got to hang out with Kassy too. That was actually uber nice. I love haning out with them. Going there on Wednesday nights is starting to become one of the highlights of my week. I played one of the songs that I had written for them. I do believe that was the first time that I had ever played a song that I had written in front of anyone. Kassy liked it. Although she couldn’t hear my voice all that well. I’m just not confident. I need more practice. Oh, she wrote a little note that said “yay max” haha. I really liked it. (:

Okay. I’m going now. I have to get school and all that other stuff that I mentioned done. I hope that you have a really awesome day.

I've been looking for a lifeline
For what seems like a lifetime
I'm drowning in the pain
Breaking down again
Looking for a lifeline

I honestly had every intention of writing last night, but, that idea faded as soon as I got home. I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind. Yesterday was a day, I wouldn’t say that it was anything more, or anything less for that matter. I didn’t get to go and meet with Jason, he’s down at Cape Cod with the 8th grade class from his school. I did however go for a run at the track, wasn’t the highlight of my day, but it was certainly a good thing to do. We had youth worship practice in the evening, that was okay, it started out rocky, but that’s how things go sometimes. I can’t say that I have any great plans for today, I know that I am going to go to the bank at some point so that I can get money out and help pay for COS and E-Tech NBL. I don’t know that I’m going to go to youth group tonight, or if I’m going to go to scouts. I kinda just want to sit at home and do nothing. I think we all need those nights every now and then. Oh, next Sunday after church I’m going over to the Kelly’s house, they are having a cookout for their barn and they invited us to come. I’m sure that’s going to be a good time, something to look foreward to.

I’m getting my Earhart award presented to me on Thursday. I hate award ceremonies. I don’t get why they have to do them. But, I don’t really have a say in the mater. So it doesn’t really matter, now does it? Kyle and Mike are getting their Mitchell awards presented to them at the same time, finally some other cadet officers. And there are going to be a bunch of new Currys. I can’t believe that our squadron lost the Color Guard competition. I’m so sick of all the politcs and stuff that goes on at CAP. All the judges were from the other squadron. In areas that we should have compleately cleaned house, and we did compleately clean house, the other team won. Is it so much to ask that people are fair? I guess it is, other wise I wouldn’t be wondering if that were the case. Oh well. I guess you win some and you lose some. That’s how life is.

Have you ever felt like you were going crazy? I think that’s about the best description of how I’m feeling at the moment. No. Crazy isn’t right. I just don’t know how to say what I want to say. And I think that feeling, the one that I’m feeling, is worse than actually being crazy. Words are sometimes hard to find, aren’t they? Especially when you know what you want to articulate, but you can’t seem to get the meaning from your head out of your mouth. I think that we all have those moments in our lives. But this is becoming more than a moment, or at least in this situation, it’s becoming more like a perpetual state. Not so cool, my friend.

Oh, so I have a serrious thought for you. Games. People play games. I’m not talking about sports, people play games with people. They try to mess with people. They degrade people. Make fun of them. People are purposefully mean sometimes. What is the point? Why do we as people think that we need to make ourselves feel better by making otheer people feel awful about how they are going about their lives? I don’t get it. And then, what I don’t get at all, is why people justify themselves being mean by saying that someone was mean to them. I just want to scream at them. Don’t they remember how they felt when people were being mean and making fun of them? Don’t they get what they are doing? They are just putting a continuous circle of this… “stuff” out there. I would like to say that this makes me laugh. But I’m guilty of it at times. I would like to think that I don’t do it all to often, but I guess that would be lying. Is our natural reaction as humans when we get hurt, to make others hurt? Maybe it is. I hope we can change.

Alright. Well… I hope that you enjoyed reading this. I think it’s a little longer than what I usually write, but that’s okay. I’m sure that you can suffer through a few hundred extra words. If not. You need to practice your reading skills elsewhere. Oh, and if you want to leave a comment that would be nice. I hardly ever get comments. I think that the last comment I got was from Emily… Oh. And Emma. Write a new post. Or I’m gunna get mean. Bye.

Do they have radios in heaven?
I hope they do
‘Cause they’re playing my song on the radio
And I’m singing it to you

Have you ever had something that you wanted to say, but you didn’t know how to say it so that it would truly convene what you wanted to get across? I find myself not being able to express what I want to. I keep saying the wrong thing. I keep confusing the person I don’t want to. It’s more frustrating than I could ever want it to be. I think that sometimes soemethings that should be so easy are just made harder by our own stupidity. Maybe I’m just making it harder than it needs to be. Maybe I’m trying to be overly eloquent. Maybe I just need to strip it all down to the basic meaning of what I’m trying to say. I guess that’s what’s driving me insane this weekend. Not the fact that my plans got changed, my plans got ruined, but the fact that I can’t say what I want to mean. If only I were able to get it out when it was the right time to get it out…

This weekend… what a mess it’s been. What a beautiful mess it’s been. I think that there can be beauty in everything if we make the effort for there to be. Friday night, I was planning on going to a lock-in down in Manchester with some people from youth group, but that all kinda fell apart at  the last instant. I ended up going to dinner with my family, which was nice, and going down to Nashua to get some guitar strings and a humidifyer. I then proceded to make plans to hang out with Kassy and Robert on Saturday… Well, Saturday came around, and Robert was sick, so guess what, we didn’t get to hang out. So, what happened you might ask. Well, I ended up being myself and sulking around my house all day because to me at that moment in time the world was just out to get me. But, as luck would have it the whole world wasn’t out to get me. I ended up going to a movie with my brother and Sammi. So that day wasn’t totally wasted. And today, I hate holidays. Let’s just leave it at that. But I did have an awesome dinner with some friends. So that was more than nice.

I’m really short on time right now. I just felt bad for not having written anything all weekend. I hope that you had a great Easter. I hope that you had an awesome weekend. And I really hope that you’re able to go about your day tomorrow and make it through all the world throws your way.

I’m tired this morning. I don’t really have any idea why, which ins’t the most plesant feeling in the world, but that’s okay. Yeasterday was a nice day, I learned a new song on my new guitar, Dance Inside by The All-American Rejects. Did I tell you that I got a new guitar, I hope I did, if not, well, I got a Taylor acoustic guitar, I’m absolutly in love with it. It sounds so great, the action is awesome, and it’s just really comfortable to me. Anyways, other than that, all I did yesterday as finish writing a reserch paper for school, and CAP. The night went well at CAP, I can’t say that it was great, it was rather borring and routine to be honest with you, but I guess you need those type of days and nights every once in a while. Next week we are going to have an awards ceremony so that will be awesome, I’m sure. Tonight, I think I’m going to a lock in… I hope that Kassy and Robert can come, I don’t know that their Mom is going to let them. But it would be awesome if they could come. Then Sunday is Easter, good day and all… Jesus rose from the grace…

Uggers. My mind is going in so many directions, I don’t really know what to talk about. Have you ever stopped and listen to the sounds around you. It’s so weird how in different places there can be so many different things. Out in the woods you have birds, leaves, maybe cars in the distance, but all in all it’s rather calm and quiet. In the city there’s all the cars, music, people, just noise. How can places be so different? How can the people that want to live in the different places be so different as well. I don’t know that I’ve ever just thought about it. But what makes a person want to go live in the peace and quiet of the woods; what makes a person want to go and be surrounded by all the noise of a city? Is there a rhyme or a reason for it? Is it just how we come wired? I really don’t know. Know I wish I had an answere to this one.

On the note of listening, when was the last time that you stoped and listend to the people around you. When was the last time that you did something that they wanted to do? When was the last time that you tried to look into their life? I guess we all get so caught up in what’s going on around us that we forget that there are friends and people around us that need some help every now and then as well. I don’t know about you, but I forget to do that. What about God. When was the last time that you actually listened to him? When did you do what he told you to do, not what you wanted to do? Think about it. Maybe take some time to just listen.

Well… I hope you enjoyed reading this. I don’t know what else to say. Like I said, I don’t really know what to say. My mind is just pulling in to many ways. I hope that you’re better able to think than I. Have a good day doing what ever it is that you are doing.

I’ll be fine, you’ll be fine
this moment seems so long
Don’t waste now, precious time
we’ll dance inside the song

So, today, I’m in a bit of an irritated mood, I don’t know why to be honest with you. Yesterday, wasn’t the greatest of days. My head was just going in to many directions, I couldn’t keep focused on one thing. When I was trying to do my school in the morning, I had to stop and write a song, just to get my head to like slow down enough for me to think clearly on my work. Right before dinner time, I got a headache right between my eyes, that wasn’t fun. Then I went to youth group at LRV, that was, awkward? They were going door to door inviting people to go to their Easter service. I don’t know why it felt awkward for me, I guess it’s because I don’t go their all that often. But that’s okay. It was a decent time none the less. I found out that I’m not going down to Jersey to see a friend, her mom won’t let her hang out. I’m rather disapointed about that, but there’s not much I can do.

I don’t know what’s going on with me today. I don’t know if the weather is getting to me, or what. I guess I’m kinda thinking of the Relient K song as I write this. Sometimes it’s funny to me how when the sun is out and it’s beautiful we do just fine. But when the sun goes away for a while, we seem to just get in this funk. I know it’s not just me too, it happens to other people. Maybe there’s a sybol in there that we should be picking up on. Maybe we need to be relying more on God to give us joy and happyness then the conditions of this world. I guess I find myself trying to find ways to be happy that really won’t make me happy in the long run. How is it that things that seem so good, can turn out to be so bad in the end?

One thing that I’ve been thinking of the last couple days is distance. To me it seems that a lot of my close friends live hundreds or thousands of miles away. Not that that should matter if I’m friends with them, but it gets old. I don’t know if that makes sense to you. But having a phone is no substitue for face to face interaction. I bet you would think that I’m the last person that would be saying this, but I guess I’m changing what I value. It’s funny as how you get older things that really didn’t mater to you before start to mater… ALOT. Maybe I’m being unrealistice. Maybe God has a point for me to learn. Maybe he is trying to get me to rely on him more. I just wish I could figure out what he’s telling me for sure so that I don’t have to keep playing this guessing game. Because this game is one that’s getting really old. It’s getting really old, really fast.

I wrote a song yesterday, I think I mentioned it at the begining of all this. I don’t really know why I wrote it. But the theme of it was that we all just need hope and peace to make it through the day. Do you find that all the anger, and stress, and just icky things seem to just pile up and drag you down more and more? I guess that’s what I was trying to get at. We just need to find a reason to smile. A reason to breathe. A way to have hope.

Well… that’s what I’m going to say to you today. I hope it ment something. Smile. For me, would you?

We were talking together
I said, “what’s up with this weather?”
Don’t know whether or not
How sad I just got
Was of my own volition.
Or if I’m just missing the sun
And tomorrow, I know,
Will be rainy at best.
And the forecast, I know,
Is that I’ll be depressed.
But I’ll wait outside
Hoping that I’ll catch sight of the sun.

So, I’ve been thinking about this the last couple days, so I decided that it was going to be shared with whoever reads this. Don’t blame me if you disagree, but I think that most of you will agree with me, since you’re of the same mind as me. Anyways, the point of this. Have you ever noticed how people just try to do what they think the cool thing is to get accepted? How people will do anything to fit in? How people just make compleate idiots of themselves just because they want to have a bunch of friends? I guess I’ve been thinking of this lately, I don’t really get it. I don’t know if that’s because I don’t go to public school, or if I’m just not going to be a person that does that, or if there’s some other reason way out in left field.

I’m sure that you’ve seen people like that. They do the dumbest things in an effort to make themselves totally cool and awesome in the eyes of the people around them, but in the end, they really just look idiots. What do we have to do to be cool? Is it all just about fitting in? Is there more to life than that? I don’t know why there is so much pressure out there. Always trying to get somewhere. Always trying to get something. Money. Jobs. Cars. Friends. I mean, is it really all that important to have a bunch of money? Sure, it’s nice. But is it the end all be all of life? Is having the coolest job the most important thing out there? What if the coolest job isn’t something that you love doing?  Having a sweet car is just that, sweet. But what if you could have a just fine car, and it got you to where you were going? Friends… sure, they are important, but having the most friends is not important at all. Having friends that care about you is important.

I read a verse in the bible today, and it was about when those three guys were going to be thrown into the furnace because they didn’t want to go along with the rest of the crowd and worship the king. I think that can be applied to todayyyyy. All around us we get pressure to go along and conform to what is cool, or what people think is cool. But we shouldn’t. We need to be living better lives than that. We need to do what is right in God’s eyes. So yeah, I guess that’s what I’m trying to say. Don’t go along with the crowd to be cool. Be your own person. You can be cool without having to do all the dumb things that aren’t really that cool at all.

I guess while I’m writing I’ll give you a little up date on my weekend. It was pretty fun. Saturday, I got to sleep in, that was really nice. Then, I went down and went to a gun show in Concord with my dad. We didn’t get anything. There actually wasn’t all that much to get. A lot of old guns, but that’s not really what I want to be spending my money on, if I’m going to spend it. Then, that night, Tye and I went to the year end party at Gunstock. That was a good time, there was some good food, and it was nice to be able to hang out with the people that we worked with all winter in a not so much work enviornment. Sunday, after church, which was good, Kassy and Robert came over. That was a really awesome time. I had to go pick Kassy up at their house, and wow. She taked so much on that car ride. It was hilarious. Like. Legit. Anyways. We went to funspot. Played guitar hero. A little football outside. Then their parents came over and we had fajitas for dinner. Such a good tine. (:

Well, there you go. Jeez. I didn’t think I was going to write this much, when I set out to write. But I guess I did. I hope that you have an awesome day. It’s kind of grey outside right now. But I rather like days like this. Buh bye.

Love, Loss
Like a bullets path
Tear, Through
The cavity of my chest
Lights, Out
Because the fuse has blown

So, my mom got me the new Keith Urban CD yeasterday… I’m so addicted to it. He’s such an awesome guitar player, and he sings and plays it all at the same time. Like that is simply amazing. I really do wish that I could do that. I guess all that it takes is practice, practice, and more practice. Anyways, I don’t have a serrious topic for you tonight, so I’m just going to give you an update on what’s been going on in the life of Max lately. And by that I mean the last couple of days, I don’t really remember when the last time was that I updated you, so I’ll go from Sunday on.

Let’s see… Sunday started off good, and it actaully ended good as well. We went to church, John spoke, as usually. He was his normal funny self. There wasn’t really any drama at church, and the Kelly’s are going to come over next weekend after church, so that’s going to be nice, I’m looking foreward to it. After church, we didn’t really do anything, that I can remember, that might be different than what actually happened, but it must not be that important, since I have seemed to forget about it. Monday was a good day, started off with school… and then I went down with Concord to meet with Jason, it was nice to talk to him. He’s a really cool guy to talk to, I enjoy spending time with him. I’m looking to get a new acoustic guitar, and I’ve been thinking of getting a Taylor, and now he’s trying to get me to get a Martin. Then after that, Tye and I went over to Todd and Debs house, we worked on some worship stuff for a while, then my dad brought over some pizza… good stuff, from a place I’d never had it from. After that, worship practice. That actually went quite well. I’m excited for this Friday… I hope that the youth group can actually get into this time. Tuesday went good. I stayed home… did school in the morning than just hung out for the afternoon. Me and mom went to some thing down at the church, John was his funny self. Good time. Today. School. Picked tye up from skiing. Then I went over to the Kelly’s house and I helped Robert out with the guitar. I really enjoyed going there.

Well I guess that’s about it for tonight. I’ll try and get another serrious post for you at somepoint in the week. Not going to make any promises though. I hope that your day was good. And I hope that you’re doing okay. Have a good day, whenever it is that you happen to read this. Night.

If ever I could love, I think it could be with you
If ever I thought I’d find somebody so true
I wonder if you feel the same way that I do
If ever I could love I think it could be with you